There are so many wonderful things in life. Things many take for granted. I know I am guilty of taking things for granted. Seeing nature all around you. Seeing God's greatest creation, the Earth and all is belongings, should make one stop and think. It should make one stop to say, "wow!" So many don't give these things a second glance. The wonders of life so many take for granted are countless. One in particular that weighs heavy on my heart is walking life with a partner. Someone to depend on in any situation at any time.
Seeing life this far has been fun and games. I do not appreciate the old any longer. I have a hankering for something new, exciting, and thrilling. It must be true, not blemished with a false pretense or an intangible future. I would like to be able to have this person help me find myself, and allow me to help that person find out who they really are and what they want in life. Building a life with someone else builds an ultimate connection. A connection that will last through all time and all hardship.
When one finds that person, they should not let him or her go without a fight! Letting go is the hardest thing to do in life. Whether it be something small like an old shirt or some thing large like letting go of a relative who has passed on. Letting go is part of life though. Brings in new and refreshes the soul. At first it may not seem so refreshed, but when you hit the point of understanding, the soul seems to be refreshed and ready for the next opportunity.
As much as feeling empty, lonely, and used hurts; it is a nature course of life. A course everyone has to walk in one way or another. Only time is the agent that can heal this part of the soul. So don't forget to let time heal. And try not to get too frustrated and worried about never getting to the new refreshed part of life that comes after the emptiness, loneliness, and feelings of being used go away. Patience is the best tool to endure time.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Reproduction of a Life Canvas
There has been much happenings in the last year or so. The last week or so has really allowed me to dredge through some of the past events and reevaluate the situations. I can truly say after a very recent night I had wanted twice! And both times, it got messed up! I admit, I am partly to blame for the degradation of both of those relationships.
I feel like a dear friend of mine, and even though he is older than me, we both know what each is going through. We both have gone through a "divorce." And we both thought we had found a new partner, but loving being so unpredictable, tore what we had found apart! We both have admitted that if we had the chance to go back a know it would work 100 percent, we would in a heart beat without thinking twice.
What is so hard about life and finding that man you want to spend your life with is, having so many criteria. You will have your looks, your character, your personality, your heart, your attitude, maybe even your penis requirements...point being there are just so many criteria that have to be met for you to be happy, it is almost impossible to ever truly be happy. So when do you stop? Or is it even possible to stop?
I know I do not want to be at a point in life where you go out every other night at the very least, if not every night and find someone to talk about or bring home. Coupled with all the drinking and smoking...just a bad place in life. I want to meet that person that is literally a living reproduction of the painting I drew of the partner and life I will have with him so that I don't fall into a horrible rut.
What is the worst is when you have the reproduction in front of you and it walks away! Whether its because you didn't want to get out of that rut in life or because the reproduction is not ready to be your painting. It just kills you to see that perfect reproduction walk away! All you want to do is cry. And even after you have cried, in this situation you don't feel any better because you know that crying did nothing to render the situation workable.
The most important thing to do is just keep look for the perfect reproduction. Cry if you have to, dance if you must, or just walk, but don't ever stop for more than a glance to see which road is next at the fork. Life is a journey. God has a plan for me and for you. He gave you the gift of how of choosing how to get there. Your choices may not hurt at all, or they may feel like you have been hit upon the side of your head with a frying pan! Life is all you and all me. Walk or run to the finish line, but never fall short of that ribbon at the end of the road!
I feel like a dear friend of mine, and even though he is older than me, we both know what each is going through. We both have gone through a "divorce." And we both thought we had found a new partner, but loving being so unpredictable, tore what we had found apart! We both have admitted that if we had the chance to go back a know it would work 100 percent, we would in a heart beat without thinking twice.
What is so hard about life and finding that man you want to spend your life with is, having so many criteria. You will have your looks, your character, your personality, your heart, your attitude, maybe even your penis requirements...point being there are just so many criteria that have to be met for you to be happy, it is almost impossible to ever truly be happy. So when do you stop? Or is it even possible to stop?
I know I do not want to be at a point in life where you go out every other night at the very least, if not every night and find someone to talk about or bring home. Coupled with all the drinking and smoking...just a bad place in life. I want to meet that person that is literally a living reproduction of the painting I drew of the partner and life I will have with him so that I don't fall into a horrible rut.
What is the worst is when you have the reproduction in front of you and it walks away! Whether its because you didn't want to get out of that rut in life or because the reproduction is not ready to be your painting. It just kills you to see that perfect reproduction walk away! All you want to do is cry. And even after you have cried, in this situation you don't feel any better because you know that crying did nothing to render the situation workable.
The most important thing to do is just keep look for the perfect reproduction. Cry if you have to, dance if you must, or just walk, but don't ever stop for more than a glance to see which road is next at the fork. Life is a journey. God has a plan for me and for you. He gave you the gift of how of choosing how to get there. Your choices may not hurt at all, or they may feel like you have been hit upon the side of your head with a frying pan! Life is all you and all me. Walk or run to the finish line, but never fall short of that ribbon at the end of the road!
Monday, February 9, 2009
Day and Night
Day and night are two totally different parts of life. The day time is joyful and splendorous. The night time on the other hand, is filled with fear and terror. Sometimes those rolls can be turned around completely. Either way, having different feelings of the day and night are not good.
For quite some time days and nights have been completely different. I think it stems back to the beginning of last summer. During the time I was having cold feet. I was scared. I misconstrued that feeling of fear as being tired and out of sync with the person in my life at that time. I honestly can say that moment put me a road of doom. I have had issues with committing ever since then. I was happy more at night than I was during the day. I had to face my fear during the day rather than at night. Then my nights became filled with fear and terror. As soon as those fell to be synchronized, I simply responded out of fear.
I personally think people respond to the situations at hand with the most abundant feeling they have at that very moment, whether that feeling is known or unknown to that person. There are many reasons any particular feeling can be unknown to a person. I can honestly say I did not realize it was fear that drove my life into a downward spiral until just yesterday. Scary huh?
As soon as those feelings of terror was synchronized to be during the day and the night, I set the fear free. I did what I thought was best at that time. I now know that my decision quite possibly was the wrong decision and could have been made on a foundation of sand. While I realized all of this previous knowledge, I also was enlightened to the current situation in my life.
I again am at a point of imbalance. It is unhealthy. Unhealthy for me, for a person that certainly does not deserve anything bad in their life because they have done nothing wrong, and it is unhealthy for the person that has suffered through out their life. I realize having an imbalance can sometimes take you to a point of balance, but this time I am pretty sure that this point of imbalance is leading me to a road where I was last May. I have an inkling that this May in the year of 2009 will be a repeat of May in 2008, except to someone else. And that someone else does not deserve any of that!
Having an imbalance is scaring me. I thought that the imbalance was just during the day. I would experience everything that could be wonderful, at night. I never could carry that on to during the day. And just recently, what was being experienced during the day time has been carried into the night. What to do?!
Only time will tell how to handle this situation. For now logic dictates to stay put and live with the familiar until you are sure of a better course of action.---I never thought I would say that...
Can I or will I ever separate these two natures so that I can figure out this conundrum.
Oh Lord; what should I do?!
For quite some time days and nights have been completely different. I think it stems back to the beginning of last summer. During the time I was having cold feet. I was scared. I misconstrued that feeling of fear as being tired and out of sync with the person in my life at that time. I honestly can say that moment put me a road of doom. I have had issues with committing ever since then. I was happy more at night than I was during the day. I had to face my fear during the day rather than at night. Then my nights became filled with fear and terror. As soon as those fell to be synchronized, I simply responded out of fear.
I personally think people respond to the situations at hand with the most abundant feeling they have at that very moment, whether that feeling is known or unknown to that person. There are many reasons any particular feeling can be unknown to a person. I can honestly say I did not realize it was fear that drove my life into a downward spiral until just yesterday. Scary huh?
As soon as those feelings of terror was synchronized to be during the day and the night, I set the fear free. I did what I thought was best at that time. I now know that my decision quite possibly was the wrong decision and could have been made on a foundation of sand. While I realized all of this previous knowledge, I also was enlightened to the current situation in my life.
I again am at a point of imbalance. It is unhealthy. Unhealthy for me, for a person that certainly does not deserve anything bad in their life because they have done nothing wrong, and it is unhealthy for the person that has suffered through out their life. I realize having an imbalance can sometimes take you to a point of balance, but this time I am pretty sure that this point of imbalance is leading me to a road where I was last May. I have an inkling that this May in the year of 2009 will be a repeat of May in 2008, except to someone else. And that someone else does not deserve any of that!
Having an imbalance is scaring me. I thought that the imbalance was just during the day. I would experience everything that could be wonderful, at night. I never could carry that on to during the day. And just recently, what was being experienced during the day time has been carried into the night. What to do?!
Only time will tell how to handle this situation. For now logic dictates to stay put and live with the familiar until you are sure of a better course of action.---I never thought I would say that...
Can I or will I ever separate these two natures so that I can figure out this conundrum.
Oh Lord; what should I do?!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Sounds of Yanni Feedback
Apparently my very first post on a blog has been a smash hit. Everyone that has read it, has enjoyed it. I for one do not think it was very good and felt that I was withdrawn when I put the post together.
One person said to me, "It's not the content of the post, but it is how the post is presented that makes it so good."
Another person said to me, "You are an amazing writer, where have you been all my life?!"
I certainly was not expecting to get as high praise as I am getting from people...
Maybe I missed my calling, or maybe it can just be a hobby.
One person said to me, "It's not the content of the post, but it is how the post is presented that makes it so good."
Another person said to me, "You are an amazing writer, where have you been all my life?!"
I certainly was not expecting to get as high praise as I am getting from people...
Maybe I missed my calling, or maybe it can just be a hobby.
Letters II
This is a continuation of my previous post. I am putting the same introduction up for those that have not read the previous post so that it will make some sense.
Recently I felt compelled to write letters. And I still feel compelled to. After such a moving event I feel that it is necessary to make sure others can experience this event as I have or at least learn a lesson from this event.
Recently a movie came out on Lifetime with the title "Prayers for Bobby." This movie is very moving and informative. It gives one the perspective of a family and more so, a mother's perspective of how to handle a person such as myself--gay. Seeing this movie had a great deal of parallelisms to my life. Seeing a mother and the church condemn her child because of who he is just rips my heart to shreds! This movie gives an accurate and realistic perspective of how one person can affect a young person's life, especially in the reconciliation stage in life. Because this movie does such a good job of portraying how a young person can be affected, I decided to write a letter to each aunt in my extended family, the campus pastor at school, and my vicar back home. This post contains the letter to my vicar back home. He is a fairly young guy. Young enough to start a new career after having a very well paying one. Also young enough to still have youngsters of his own running around the house.
So here goes, read the letter and pay close attention to the quote at the end of the letter! It is the most memorable quote I have ever seen, certainly worth remembering! If I have ever carved anything into my memory, this quote is something that is etched permanently to my memory.
Thursday, January 28, 2009
Dear Vicar D,
I am writing you this letter as part of the movie I am sending you. I am sending this movie to people I think would benefit from seeing it. The movie’s title is Prayers for Bobby. You may have heard of it or you may not have. Regardless of whether you have or have not, I think it would be beneficial to your calling as a Pastor.
Prayers for Bobby has one particular social issue that is becoming more and more apparent as the years go by. It even affects my family and me. Even though the subject of this movie hits close to home for me, that is not the reason I am sending and asking you to watch this movie. I personally believe that there are people in my life that I know who really need to see this movie. I think this movie would be beneficial for you because as a Pastor, it is your job to bring the child of God closer to Him, and this movie will hopefully give you another perspective to consider when doing that.
I am a firm believer in what is presented in this movie. Seeing a parent go from condemning their child to Hell to accepting them and loving them, and knowing that God loves them even more no matter who they are or what they do. Being a Lutheran has had a major impact on my life. Knowing that we are saved by grace through faith in God has given me great comfort. Knowing that I was a sinner at conception and there was nothing I could do to change that helped me realize that I will always be a sinner no matter what I do. Knowing all that, I now know that when I accepted Jesus as my savior at my baptism and again at my confirmation I was saved from all my sins and inequities. This is something I want everyone to know, especially youth in my situation. Even more so, the youth who are looking for acceptance and love for any issue in their life.
I now ask you to watch this movie. I also want you to feel free to contact me with question or concerns. If you do decide to watch this movie, please keep an open mind and an open heart, I know you can do that as a Pastor.
In conclusion, remember this quote as you watch this movie and in everyday life, especially when you are with your family and your congregation:
“Before you echo Amen in your home or place of worship, think and remember. A child is listening.” -Mary Griffith
Your friend in Christ,
Jeffrey Mayefske
Recently I felt compelled to write letters. And I still feel compelled to. After such a moving event I feel that it is necessary to make sure others can experience this event as I have or at least learn a lesson from this event.
Recently a movie came out on Lifetime with the title "Prayers for Bobby." This movie is very moving and informative. It gives one the perspective of a family and more so, a mother's perspective of how to handle a person such as myself--gay. Seeing this movie had a great deal of parallelisms to my life. Seeing a mother and the church condemn her child because of who he is just rips my heart to shreds! This movie gives an accurate and realistic perspective of how one person can affect a young person's life, especially in the reconciliation stage in life. Because this movie does such a good job of portraying how a young person can be affected, I decided to write a letter to each aunt in my extended family, the campus pastor at school, and my vicar back home. This post contains the letter to my vicar back home. He is a fairly young guy. Young enough to start a new career after having a very well paying one. Also young enough to still have youngsters of his own running around the house.
So here goes, read the letter and pay close attention to the quote at the end of the letter! It is the most memorable quote I have ever seen, certainly worth remembering! If I have ever carved anything into my memory, this quote is something that is etched permanently to my memory.
Thursday, January 28, 2009
Dear Vicar D,
I am writing you this letter as part of the movie I am sending you. I am sending this movie to people I think would benefit from seeing it. The movie’s title is Prayers for Bobby. You may have heard of it or you may not have. Regardless of whether you have or have not, I think it would be beneficial to your calling as a Pastor.
Prayers for Bobby has one particular social issue that is becoming more and more apparent as the years go by. It even affects my family and me. Even though the subject of this movie hits close to home for me, that is not the reason I am sending and asking you to watch this movie. I personally believe that there are people in my life that I know who really need to see this movie. I think this movie would be beneficial for you because as a Pastor, it is your job to bring the child of God closer to Him, and this movie will hopefully give you another perspective to consider when doing that.
I am a firm believer in what is presented in this movie. Seeing a parent go from condemning their child to Hell to accepting them and loving them, and knowing that God loves them even more no matter who they are or what they do. Being a Lutheran has had a major impact on my life. Knowing that we are saved by grace through faith in God has given me great comfort. Knowing that I was a sinner at conception and there was nothing I could do to change that helped me realize that I will always be a sinner no matter what I do. Knowing all that, I now know that when I accepted Jesus as my savior at my baptism and again at my confirmation I was saved from all my sins and inequities. This is something I want everyone to know, especially youth in my situation. Even more so, the youth who are looking for acceptance and love for any issue in their life.
I now ask you to watch this movie. I also want you to feel free to contact me with question or concerns. If you do decide to watch this movie, please keep an open mind and an open heart, I know you can do that as a Pastor.
In conclusion, remember this quote as you watch this movie and in everyday life, especially when you are with your family and your congregation:
“Before you echo Amen in your home or place of worship, think and remember. A child is listening.” -Mary Griffith
Your friend in Christ,
Jeffrey Mayefske
Letters I
Recently I felt compelled to write letters. And I still feel compelled to. After such a moving event I feel that it is necessary to make sure others can experience this event as I have or at least learn a lesson from this event.
Recently a movie came out on Lifetime with the title "Prayers for Bobby." This movie is very moving and informative. It gives one the perspective of a family and more so, a mother's perspective of how to handle a person such as myself--gay. Seeing this movie had a great deal of parallelisms to my life. Seeing a mother and the church condemn her child because of who he is just rips my heart to shreds! This movie gives an accurate and realistic perspective of how one person can affect a young person's life, especially in the reconciliation stage in life. Because this movie does such a good job of portraying how a young person can be affected, I decided to write a letter to each aunt in my extended family, the campus pastor at school, and my vicar back home. This post will contain the letter to the campus pastor at school...for the sake of the school's image (and we know how important this image can be; so much so I could get seriously reprimanded for posting the name in any bad light) I have decided to leave the name out. For some of you though, you will know which school I am talking about.
So here goes, read the letter and pay close attention to the quote at the end of the letter! It is the most memorable quote I have ever seen, certainly worth remembering! If I have ever carved anything into my memory, this quote is something that is etched permanently to my memory.
Thursday, January 28, 2009
Dear Pastor Smith,
I am writing you this letter as part of the movie I am sending you. I am sure you know some details about my life that you have found out through fellow staff members or fellow students. It does not bother me that you know. I actually am glad you know. However, that is not the purpose of this note. The purpose is to show you a view many in my situation have experienced. It is also to show you that there are just more than people like myself that are struggling to get the acceptance of their parents. There are many youth in the world that have something to say, but they are too scared to say it. They are scared because of what the church says about their lives. They are scared about what their parents and families are going to say when they tell them. This movie accurately portrays how one of the many subjects these youth are afraid to tell their parents about, affects their lives and in turn affects their family’s lives.
I personally think this movie is very moving and portrays how the need for social acceptance and love, or the lack there of, effects youth and their family’s lives. I also believe that, because it portrays this situation so well, it should be used as an example in some sort of psychology, sociology, or religion class. Everyone should have the opportunity to see this movie. Outside of the issue portrayed in this movie, it can be used as a template for how other problems can affect these people.
I now ask you to watch this movie. It is called Prayers for Bobby. If you decide to watch this movie please keep an open mind and an open heart. As a Pastor of the Lutheran Church, I feel it is important that you see it and use the lessons presented in this movie to further benefit your calling as a presenter of the Lord’s word to God’s children. Please feel free to contact me and discuss this with me. I would like nothing more to help people, particularly young people, who are in my situation or a situation similar to mine.
In conclusion, a quote that I think is particularly important to remember when watching this movie and in everyday life:
“Before you echo Amen in your home or place of worship, think and remember. A child is listening.” -Mary Griffith
Your friend in Christ,
Jeffrey Mayefske
Recently a movie came out on Lifetime with the title "Prayers for Bobby." This movie is very moving and informative. It gives one the perspective of a family and more so, a mother's perspective of how to handle a person such as myself--gay. Seeing this movie had a great deal of parallelisms to my life. Seeing a mother and the church condemn her child because of who he is just rips my heart to shreds! This movie gives an accurate and realistic perspective of how one person can affect a young person's life, especially in the reconciliation stage in life. Because this movie does such a good job of portraying how a young person can be affected, I decided to write a letter to each aunt in my extended family, the campus pastor at school, and my vicar back home. This post will contain the letter to the campus pastor at school...for the sake of the school's image (and we know how important this image can be; so much so I could get seriously reprimanded for posting the name in any bad light) I have decided to leave the name out. For some of you though, you will know which school I am talking about.
So here goes, read the letter and pay close attention to the quote at the end of the letter! It is the most memorable quote I have ever seen, certainly worth remembering! If I have ever carved anything into my memory, this quote is something that is etched permanently to my memory.
Thursday, January 28, 2009
Dear Pastor Smith,
I am writing you this letter as part of the movie I am sending you. I am sure you know some details about my life that you have found out through fellow staff members or fellow students. It does not bother me that you know. I actually am glad you know. However, that is not the purpose of this note. The purpose is to show you a view many in my situation have experienced. It is also to show you that there are just more than people like myself that are struggling to get the acceptance of their parents. There are many youth in the world that have something to say, but they are too scared to say it. They are scared because of what the church says about their lives. They are scared about what their parents and families are going to say when they tell them. This movie accurately portrays how one of the many subjects these youth are afraid to tell their parents about, affects their lives and in turn affects their family’s lives.
I personally think this movie is very moving and portrays how the need for social acceptance and love, or the lack there of, effects youth and their family’s lives. I also believe that, because it portrays this situation so well, it should be used as an example in some sort of psychology, sociology, or religion class. Everyone should have the opportunity to see this movie. Outside of the issue portrayed in this movie, it can be used as a template for how other problems can affect these people.
I now ask you to watch this movie. It is called Prayers for Bobby. If you decide to watch this movie please keep an open mind and an open heart. As a Pastor of the Lutheran Church, I feel it is important that you see it and use the lessons presented in this movie to further benefit your calling as a presenter of the Lord’s word to God’s children. Please feel free to contact me and discuss this with me. I would like nothing more to help people, particularly young people, who are in my situation or a situation similar to mine.
In conclusion, a quote that I think is particularly important to remember when watching this movie and in everyday life:
“Before you echo Amen in your home or place of worship, think and remember. A child is listening.” -Mary Griffith
Your friend in Christ,
Jeffrey Mayefske
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
The Sounds of Yanni
For the last few days I have been indulging myself to the sounds of Yanni and other pianists. The works of Yanni though, are particularly enchanting. I listen to one song in particular, "Reflections of Passion," and think about my past, present, and future.
Passion is a very powerful feeling that should only be reserved for the most heart felt moments in time. Experiencing true passion is a gift. Not many get to experience what true passion is.
One moment of passion that reflects off my mind happened long ago. This moment was filled with intimacy. This moment was with my first love. Sitting around watching television is how the night started off. Next came a couch. A couch made of brown leather. We laid there and caressed each other's hair, watched Kitty, and played with a camera. This moment brings back so many memories. After the couch came the bedroom. Not much has to be said here, because that can be left to your imagination, and between my first love and me. Having a night go so well and be so memorable is also a gift that should be cherished! When the time came that I had to leave my first love to go home, the memories were well ingrained into my head. They were so prevalent, that the two and a half hour journey home was filled with tears. I was crying because I truly felt passion.
As fast as passion is felt though, it can be ripped away. That moment is the only true moment of passion I have ever felt. As times change so does love and so does passion. Sometimes love and passion fizzle away to nothing and sometimes they grow to tremendous amounts that you can't keep it in anymore, you have to share it with the world! In this case, even though it fizzled away to nothing, I am still sharing the moment I did have and how joyous it was. And I can thank two people for this post,
My first love-TS
and
An amazing composer and pianist- Yanni
Passion is a very powerful feeling that should only be reserved for the most heart felt moments in time. Experiencing true passion is a gift. Not many get to experience what true passion is.
One moment of passion that reflects off my mind happened long ago. This moment was filled with intimacy. This moment was with my first love. Sitting around watching television is how the night started off. Next came a couch. A couch made of brown leather. We laid there and caressed each other's hair, watched Kitty, and played with a camera. This moment brings back so many memories. After the couch came the bedroom. Not much has to be said here, because that can be left to your imagination, and between my first love and me. Having a night go so well and be so memorable is also a gift that should be cherished! When the time came that I had to leave my first love to go home, the memories were well ingrained into my head. They were so prevalent, that the two and a half hour journey home was filled with tears. I was crying because I truly felt passion.
As fast as passion is felt though, it can be ripped away. That moment is the only true moment of passion I have ever felt. As times change so does love and so does passion. Sometimes love and passion fizzle away to nothing and sometimes they grow to tremendous amounts that you can't keep it in anymore, you have to share it with the world! In this case, even though it fizzled away to nothing, I am still sharing the moment I did have and how joyous it was. And I can thank two people for this post,
My first love-TS
and
An amazing composer and pianist- Yanni
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