No Sanity

I feel like I am a character in a superhero movie. I feel like the character that was really good and had good friends. Then that character starts getting mixed up in the wrong crowd. Soon he starts to get involved with bad things and gets the bad end of the stick handed to him multiple times. The character falls to crime and becomes evil. Soon enough the character is now the greatest evil villain since the last superhero movie.

I feel so out of my element. I feel like I am falling apart. The new me is not happy, vibrant, or good. The new me is angry, dark, and bitchy. This new person hurts people. Its not healthy at all.

I can't even remember what it is to be happy, vibrant, and good. I don't know where I began to lose it. I am not sure what fuels my new self. I know I am not happy with my current life.

First, I am not happy with how I treat people. No one deserves to have a phone thrown at them. No one deserves verbal abuse. No one deserves to be made fun of or told they do not belong. My life is horrible. I have become so jaded, I am telling my closest friends that how they are living their lives is not good and that they are being stupid for doing things that they have to do. This treatment of people has been the biggest side effect of the new self, my evil self.

My evil self stems from somewhere. Pointing out the things I don't like about this new evil self might help figure out where it came from. I can't stand how obsessive and compulsive I have become. I have to have everything in my apartment clean. No dirty dishes in the sink. Clean towels. No clutter in the living room. The list could go on.

I hate my financial situation. I have more bills than I can afford. But who doesn't. But money stresses me out. I hate that I can't improve my situation. My situation is...I have one more year of college left. I am currently a Resident Assistant. I have to live on campus to go to school. I can't afford to go to school without being an RA. I have no car. A deer took that from me. I can't afford to get a new car simply put. So, I can't change my situation. I am stuck in a job I no longer want. I am stuck living on campus because I can't get to school otherwise. And if I don't go to school I won't graduate. I am completely in a situation I don't want to be.

I have lost my independence. That really annoys me. My car was my independence and my therapy. I am so lost with out my car. I can no longer get away from the places I don't want to be. I can't refresh myself anymore. So everything is piling up on the last thing and then it piles up more. My life is messed up.

I hate being single. I know I am meant love. My mind is in a place that is beyond college. Its just unfortunate that my life has not caught up with my mind yet. How do I fix this problem?

I hate the feeling of loosing control. I seriously feel like I am going insane at times. I black out at moments and just go on rants. Like a status I once put up, I wish I didn't care as much as I do. It would be so much easier. I think that status should apply to my OCD as well. I wish I didn't care as much. I highly doubt I would be as OCD as I am.

Now what do I do? How do I wake myself from this horrible nightmare?