I feel like I am a character in a superhero movie. I feel like the character that was really good and had good friends. Then that character starts getting mixed up in the wrong crowd. Soon he starts to get involved with bad things and gets the bad end of the stick handed to him multiple times. The character falls to crime and becomes evil. Soon enough the character is now the greatest evil villain since the last superhero movie.
I feel so out of my element. I feel like I am falling apart. The new me is not happy, vibrant, or good. The new me is angry, dark, and bitchy. This new person hurts people. Its not healthy at all.
I can't even remember what it is to be happy, vibrant, and good. I don't know where I began to lose it. I am not sure what fuels my new self. I know I am not happy with my current life.
First, I am not happy with how I treat people. No one deserves to have a phone thrown at them. No one deserves verbal abuse. No one deserves to be made fun of or told they do not belong. My life is horrible. I have become so jaded, I am telling my closest friends that how they are living their lives is not good and that they are being stupid for doing things that they have to do. This treatment of people has been the biggest side effect of the new self, my evil self.
My evil self stems from somewhere. Pointing out the things I don't like about this new evil self might help figure out where it came from. I can't stand how obsessive and compulsive I have become. I have to have everything in my apartment clean. No dirty dishes in the sink. Clean towels. No clutter in the living room. The list could go on.
I hate my financial situation. I have more bills than I can afford. But who doesn't. But money stresses me out. I hate that I can't improve my situation. My situation is...I have one more year of college left. I am currently a Resident Assistant. I have to live on campus to go to school. I can't afford to go to school without being an RA. I have no car. A deer took that from me. I can't afford to get a new car simply put. So, I can't change my situation. I am stuck in a job I no longer want. I am stuck living on campus because I can't get to school otherwise. And if I don't go to school I won't graduate. I am completely in a situation I don't want to be.
I have lost my independence. That really annoys me. My car was my independence and my therapy. I am so lost with out my car. I can no longer get away from the places I don't want to be. I can't refresh myself anymore. So everything is piling up on the last thing and then it piles up more. My life is messed up.
I hate being single. I know I am meant love. My mind is in a place that is beyond college. Its just unfortunate that my life has not caught up with my mind yet. How do I fix this problem?
I hate the feeling of loosing control. I seriously feel like I am going insane at times. I black out at moments and just go on rants. Like a status I once put up, I wish I didn't care as much as I do. It would be so much easier. I think that status should apply to my OCD as well. I wish I didn't care as much. I highly doubt I would be as OCD as I am.
Now what do I do? How do I wake myself from this horrible nightmare?
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Self Protection
I can cover just about any emotion. I can shield my mind from just about anyone. I can blanket the world from my eyes. But I can't stop my own heart.
I have had some very interesting happenings go on in my life recently. The most important coming to the realization that covering myself from emotional pain has lead to my emotional pain. I had someone tell me that by protecting myself from pain I am actually portraying a person that is not me. I protect myself because I don't want to get hurt, but then I protect myself so much that I become blind to how people view me.
I hide facts about my life. I hide how I truley feel in certain situations. I recently left my church that I have belonged to for twelve years because I now longer believe everything thing that they believe. When I finally came to this decision and acted out the decision, I became numb to the world. It took me days to thaw out. I certainly felt as though my faith life took a big stabbing to. For the first fourty-eight hours I needed reassurement I made the right decision and what I have come to believe is the truth. I prayed and prayed. I had my prayers answered. I put up one status on facebook and it turned into a mini blog and a wiki to the Bible. The responses I got made me so happy. I could not have asked for better reassurement in my beliefs.
Out of all of this time I have spent pondering on the subject of self protection, I have to come to conclude I have much to learn from the new things I experience in life. I have come to the conclusion I need to disclose more about myself and who I am and how I am feeling to people that matter. To build stronger relationships I need to have less firewalls and more open lines.
Self protection is good, but sometimes it over powers you and consumes your life and becomes very apparent to everyone what you are doing.
I have had some very interesting happenings go on in my life recently. The most important coming to the realization that covering myself from emotional pain has lead to my emotional pain. I had someone tell me that by protecting myself from pain I am actually portraying a person that is not me. I protect myself because I don't want to get hurt, but then I protect myself so much that I become blind to how people view me.
I hide facts about my life. I hide how I truley feel in certain situations. I recently left my church that I have belonged to for twelve years because I now longer believe everything thing that they believe. When I finally came to this decision and acted out the decision, I became numb to the world. It took me days to thaw out. I certainly felt as though my faith life took a big stabbing to. For the first fourty-eight hours I needed reassurement I made the right decision and what I have come to believe is the truth. I prayed and prayed. I had my prayers answered. I put up one status on facebook and it turned into a mini blog and a wiki to the Bible. The responses I got made me so happy. I could not have asked for better reassurement in my beliefs.
Out of all of this time I have spent pondering on the subject of self protection, I have to come to conclude I have much to learn from the new things I experience in life. I have come to the conclusion I need to disclose more about myself and who I am and how I am feeling to people that matter. To build stronger relationships I need to have less firewalls and more open lines.
Self protection is good, but sometimes it over powers you and consumes your life and becomes very apparent to everyone what you are doing.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Complications in Finding a Partner
There are times in life where you just come to a stand-still, whether that be because you have looked for so long you think you are never going to find someone for you, or it be because you find someone, but have no real progress in making a meaningful relationship. I personally have been both.
There has been a time where I had looked for an extended period and had finally figured that not looking for a partner would be best. I had the mentality that not looking would allow me to focus on other things in life and if the time was right a guy would come to me. That worked, but what happens when that person is not a person you want to spend the rest of your life with?!
What happens when you date someone and you feel that person is your mate for life? What happens when that same person is not as interested as you are?! What happens if that person is super slow at making decisions in life? What do you do?!!!! What do you do especially when you have an interest in other guys and other guys have interest in you!? Do you continue to ignore the other guys that have interest in you and stick with the guy that is moving at a glacial pace, or do you give up on the turtle and focus on the hare?
This is the predicament many face, not just me. There are several things one has to determine for each, the hare and the turtle. First, the turtle needs to be evaluated in the following areas. If waiting will pay off. Is the turtle just indecisive or are they at the point of settling and not wanting to go fast because their interest is not very high? For the hare, one has to determine if there will be more of a pay off by attempting a relationship with the hare rather than the turtle. Is there anything that would prevent you from having a relationship with either, is another thing that is good to think about.
The only thing that can be done is make a decision and stick with it.
There has been a time where I had looked for an extended period and had finally figured that not looking for a partner would be best. I had the mentality that not looking would allow me to focus on other things in life and if the time was right a guy would come to me. That worked, but what happens when that person is not a person you want to spend the rest of your life with?!
What happens when you date someone and you feel that person is your mate for life? What happens when that same person is not as interested as you are?! What happens if that person is super slow at making decisions in life? What do you do?!!!! What do you do especially when you have an interest in other guys and other guys have interest in you!? Do you continue to ignore the other guys that have interest in you and stick with the guy that is moving at a glacial pace, or do you give up on the turtle and focus on the hare?
This is the predicament many face, not just me. There are several things one has to determine for each, the hare and the turtle. First, the turtle needs to be evaluated in the following areas. If waiting will pay off. Is the turtle just indecisive or are they at the point of settling and not wanting to go fast because their interest is not very high? For the hare, one has to determine if there will be more of a pay off by attempting a relationship with the hare rather than the turtle. Is there anything that would prevent you from having a relationship with either, is another thing that is good to think about.
The only thing that can be done is make a decision and stick with it.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Empty, Lonely and Used
There are so many wonderful things in life. Things many take for granted. I know I am guilty of taking things for granted. Seeing nature all around you. Seeing God's greatest creation, the Earth and all is belongings, should make one stop and think. It should make one stop to say, "wow!" So many don't give these things a second glance. The wonders of life so many take for granted are countless. One in particular that weighs heavy on my heart is walking life with a partner. Someone to depend on in any situation at any time.
Seeing life this far has been fun and games. I do not appreciate the old any longer. I have a hankering for something new, exciting, and thrilling. It must be true, not blemished with a false pretense or an intangible future. I would like to be able to have this person help me find myself, and allow me to help that person find out who they really are and what they want in life. Building a life with someone else builds an ultimate connection. A connection that will last through all time and all hardship.
When one finds that person, they should not let him or her go without a fight! Letting go is the hardest thing to do in life. Whether it be something small like an old shirt or some thing large like letting go of a relative who has passed on. Letting go is part of life though. Brings in new and refreshes the soul. At first it may not seem so refreshed, but when you hit the point of understanding, the soul seems to be refreshed and ready for the next opportunity.
As much as feeling empty, lonely, and used hurts; it is a nature course of life. A course everyone has to walk in one way or another. Only time is the agent that can heal this part of the soul. So don't forget to let time heal. And try not to get too frustrated and worried about never getting to the new refreshed part of life that comes after the emptiness, loneliness, and feelings of being used go away. Patience is the best tool to endure time.
Seeing life this far has been fun and games. I do not appreciate the old any longer. I have a hankering for something new, exciting, and thrilling. It must be true, not blemished with a false pretense or an intangible future. I would like to be able to have this person help me find myself, and allow me to help that person find out who they really are and what they want in life. Building a life with someone else builds an ultimate connection. A connection that will last through all time and all hardship.
When one finds that person, they should not let him or her go without a fight! Letting go is the hardest thing to do in life. Whether it be something small like an old shirt or some thing large like letting go of a relative who has passed on. Letting go is part of life though. Brings in new and refreshes the soul. At first it may not seem so refreshed, but when you hit the point of understanding, the soul seems to be refreshed and ready for the next opportunity.
As much as feeling empty, lonely, and used hurts; it is a nature course of life. A course everyone has to walk in one way or another. Only time is the agent that can heal this part of the soul. So don't forget to let time heal. And try not to get too frustrated and worried about never getting to the new refreshed part of life that comes after the emptiness, loneliness, and feelings of being used go away. Patience is the best tool to endure time.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Reproduction of a Life Canvas
There has been much happenings in the last year or so. The last week or so has really allowed me to dredge through some of the past events and reevaluate the situations. I can truly say after a very recent night I had wanted twice! And both times, it got messed up! I admit, I am partly to blame for the degradation of both of those relationships.
I feel like a dear friend of mine, and even though he is older than me, we both know what each is going through. We both have gone through a "divorce." And we both thought we had found a new partner, but loving being so unpredictable, tore what we had found apart! We both have admitted that if we had the chance to go back a know it would work 100 percent, we would in a heart beat without thinking twice.
What is so hard about life and finding that man you want to spend your life with is, having so many criteria. You will have your looks, your character, your personality, your heart, your attitude, maybe even your penis requirements...point being there are just so many criteria that have to be met for you to be happy, it is almost impossible to ever truly be happy. So when do you stop? Or is it even possible to stop?
I know I do not want to be at a point in life where you go out every other night at the very least, if not every night and find someone to talk about or bring home. Coupled with all the drinking and smoking...just a bad place in life. I want to meet that person that is literally a living reproduction of the painting I drew of the partner and life I will have with him so that I don't fall into a horrible rut.
What is the worst is when you have the reproduction in front of you and it walks away! Whether its because you didn't want to get out of that rut in life or because the reproduction is not ready to be your painting. It just kills you to see that perfect reproduction walk away! All you want to do is cry. And even after you have cried, in this situation you don't feel any better because you know that crying did nothing to render the situation workable.
The most important thing to do is just keep look for the perfect reproduction. Cry if you have to, dance if you must, or just walk, but don't ever stop for more than a glance to see which road is next at the fork. Life is a journey. God has a plan for me and for you. He gave you the gift of how of choosing how to get there. Your choices may not hurt at all, or they may feel like you have been hit upon the side of your head with a frying pan! Life is all you and all me. Walk or run to the finish line, but never fall short of that ribbon at the end of the road!
I feel like a dear friend of mine, and even though he is older than me, we both know what each is going through. We both have gone through a "divorce." And we both thought we had found a new partner, but loving being so unpredictable, tore what we had found apart! We both have admitted that if we had the chance to go back a know it would work 100 percent, we would in a heart beat without thinking twice.
What is so hard about life and finding that man you want to spend your life with is, having so many criteria. You will have your looks, your character, your personality, your heart, your attitude, maybe even your penis requirements...point being there are just so many criteria that have to be met for you to be happy, it is almost impossible to ever truly be happy. So when do you stop? Or is it even possible to stop?
I know I do not want to be at a point in life where you go out every other night at the very least, if not every night and find someone to talk about or bring home. Coupled with all the drinking and smoking...just a bad place in life. I want to meet that person that is literally a living reproduction of the painting I drew of the partner and life I will have with him so that I don't fall into a horrible rut.
What is the worst is when you have the reproduction in front of you and it walks away! Whether its because you didn't want to get out of that rut in life or because the reproduction is not ready to be your painting. It just kills you to see that perfect reproduction walk away! All you want to do is cry. And even after you have cried, in this situation you don't feel any better because you know that crying did nothing to render the situation workable.
The most important thing to do is just keep look for the perfect reproduction. Cry if you have to, dance if you must, or just walk, but don't ever stop for more than a glance to see which road is next at the fork. Life is a journey. God has a plan for me and for you. He gave you the gift of how of choosing how to get there. Your choices may not hurt at all, or they may feel like you have been hit upon the side of your head with a frying pan! Life is all you and all me. Walk or run to the finish line, but never fall short of that ribbon at the end of the road!
Monday, February 9, 2009
Day and Night
Day and night are two totally different parts of life. The day time is joyful and splendorous. The night time on the other hand, is filled with fear and terror. Sometimes those rolls can be turned around completely. Either way, having different feelings of the day and night are not good.
For quite some time days and nights have been completely different. I think it stems back to the beginning of last summer. During the time I was having cold feet. I was scared. I misconstrued that feeling of fear as being tired and out of sync with the person in my life at that time. I honestly can say that moment put me a road of doom. I have had issues with committing ever since then. I was happy more at night than I was during the day. I had to face my fear during the day rather than at night. Then my nights became filled with fear and terror. As soon as those fell to be synchronized, I simply responded out of fear.
I personally think people respond to the situations at hand with the most abundant feeling they have at that very moment, whether that feeling is known or unknown to that person. There are many reasons any particular feeling can be unknown to a person. I can honestly say I did not realize it was fear that drove my life into a downward spiral until just yesterday. Scary huh?
As soon as those feelings of terror was synchronized to be during the day and the night, I set the fear free. I did what I thought was best at that time. I now know that my decision quite possibly was the wrong decision and could have been made on a foundation of sand. While I realized all of this previous knowledge, I also was enlightened to the current situation in my life.
I again am at a point of imbalance. It is unhealthy. Unhealthy for me, for a person that certainly does not deserve anything bad in their life because they have done nothing wrong, and it is unhealthy for the person that has suffered through out their life. I realize having an imbalance can sometimes take you to a point of balance, but this time I am pretty sure that this point of imbalance is leading me to a road where I was last May. I have an inkling that this May in the year of 2009 will be a repeat of May in 2008, except to someone else. And that someone else does not deserve any of that!
Having an imbalance is scaring me. I thought that the imbalance was just during the day. I would experience everything that could be wonderful, at night. I never could carry that on to during the day. And just recently, what was being experienced during the day time has been carried into the night. What to do?!
Only time will tell how to handle this situation. For now logic dictates to stay put and live with the familiar until you are sure of a better course of action.---I never thought I would say that...
Can I or will I ever separate these two natures so that I can figure out this conundrum.
Oh Lord; what should I do?!
For quite some time days and nights have been completely different. I think it stems back to the beginning of last summer. During the time I was having cold feet. I was scared. I misconstrued that feeling of fear as being tired and out of sync with the person in my life at that time. I honestly can say that moment put me a road of doom. I have had issues with committing ever since then. I was happy more at night than I was during the day. I had to face my fear during the day rather than at night. Then my nights became filled with fear and terror. As soon as those fell to be synchronized, I simply responded out of fear.
I personally think people respond to the situations at hand with the most abundant feeling they have at that very moment, whether that feeling is known or unknown to that person. There are many reasons any particular feeling can be unknown to a person. I can honestly say I did not realize it was fear that drove my life into a downward spiral until just yesterday. Scary huh?
As soon as those feelings of terror was synchronized to be during the day and the night, I set the fear free. I did what I thought was best at that time. I now know that my decision quite possibly was the wrong decision and could have been made on a foundation of sand. While I realized all of this previous knowledge, I also was enlightened to the current situation in my life.
I again am at a point of imbalance. It is unhealthy. Unhealthy for me, for a person that certainly does not deserve anything bad in their life because they have done nothing wrong, and it is unhealthy for the person that has suffered through out their life. I realize having an imbalance can sometimes take you to a point of balance, but this time I am pretty sure that this point of imbalance is leading me to a road where I was last May. I have an inkling that this May in the year of 2009 will be a repeat of May in 2008, except to someone else. And that someone else does not deserve any of that!
Having an imbalance is scaring me. I thought that the imbalance was just during the day. I would experience everything that could be wonderful, at night. I never could carry that on to during the day. And just recently, what was being experienced during the day time has been carried into the night. What to do?!
Only time will tell how to handle this situation. For now logic dictates to stay put and live with the familiar until you are sure of a better course of action.---I never thought I would say that...
Can I or will I ever separate these two natures so that I can figure out this conundrum.
Oh Lord; what should I do?!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Sounds of Yanni Feedback
Apparently my very first post on a blog has been a smash hit. Everyone that has read it, has enjoyed it. I for one do not think it was very good and felt that I was withdrawn when I put the post together.
One person said to me, "It's not the content of the post, but it is how the post is presented that makes it so good."
Another person said to me, "You are an amazing writer, where have you been all my life?!"
I certainly was not expecting to get as high praise as I am getting from people...
Maybe I missed my calling, or maybe it can just be a hobby.
One person said to me, "It's not the content of the post, but it is how the post is presented that makes it so good."
Another person said to me, "You are an amazing writer, where have you been all my life?!"
I certainly was not expecting to get as high praise as I am getting from people...
Maybe I missed my calling, or maybe it can just be a hobby.
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