Day and night are two totally different parts of life. The day time is joyful and splendorous. The night time on the other hand, is filled with fear and terror. Sometimes those rolls can be turned around completely. Either way, having different feelings of the day and night are not good.
For quite some time days and nights have been completely different. I think it stems back to the beginning of last summer. During the time I was having cold feet. I was scared. I misconstrued that feeling of fear as being tired and out of sync with the person in my life at that time. I honestly can say that moment put me a road of doom. I have had issues with committing ever since then. I was happy more at night than I was during the day. I had to face my fear during the day rather than at night. Then my nights became filled with fear and terror. As soon as those fell to be synchronized, I simply responded out of fear.
I personally think people respond to the situations at hand with the most abundant feeling they have at that very moment, whether that feeling is known or unknown to that person. There are many reasons any particular feeling can be unknown to a person. I can honestly say I did not realize it was fear that drove my life into a downward spiral until just yesterday. Scary huh?
As soon as those feelings of terror was synchronized to be during the day and the night, I set the fear free. I did what I thought was best at that time. I now know that my decision quite possibly was the wrong decision and could have been made on a foundation of sand. While I realized all of this previous knowledge, I also was enlightened to the current situation in my life.
I again am at a point of imbalance. It is unhealthy. Unhealthy for me, for a person that certainly does not deserve anything bad in their life because they have done nothing wrong, and it is unhealthy for the person that has suffered through out their life. I realize having an imbalance can sometimes take you to a point of balance, but this time I am pretty sure that this point of imbalance is leading me to a road where I was last May. I have an inkling that this May in the year of 2009 will be a repeat of May in 2008, except to someone else. And that someone else does not deserve any of that!
Having an imbalance is scaring me. I thought that the imbalance was just during the day. I would experience everything that could be wonderful, at night. I never could carry that on to during the day. And just recently, what was being experienced during the day time has been carried into the night. What to do?!
Only time will tell how to handle this situation. For now logic dictates to stay put and live with the familiar until you are sure of a better course of action.---I never thought I would say that...
Can I or will I ever separate these two natures so that I can figure out this conundrum.
Oh Lord; what should I do?!
Showing posts with label Homosexuality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Homosexuality. Show all posts
Monday, February 9, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Letters II
This is a continuation of my previous post. I am putting the same introduction up for those that have not read the previous post so that it will make some sense.
Recently I felt compelled to write letters. And I still feel compelled to. After such a moving event I feel that it is necessary to make sure others can experience this event as I have or at least learn a lesson from this event.
Recently a movie came out on Lifetime with the title "Prayers for Bobby." This movie is very moving and informative. It gives one the perspective of a family and more so, a mother's perspective of how to handle a person such as myself--gay. Seeing this movie had a great deal of parallelisms to my life. Seeing a mother and the church condemn her child because of who he is just rips my heart to shreds! This movie gives an accurate and realistic perspective of how one person can affect a young person's life, especially in the reconciliation stage in life. Because this movie does such a good job of portraying how a young person can be affected, I decided to write a letter to each aunt in my extended family, the campus pastor at school, and my vicar back home. This post contains the letter to my vicar back home. He is a fairly young guy. Young enough to start a new career after having a very well paying one. Also young enough to still have youngsters of his own running around the house.
So here goes, read the letter and pay close attention to the quote at the end of the letter! It is the most memorable quote I have ever seen, certainly worth remembering! If I have ever carved anything into my memory, this quote is something that is etched permanently to my memory.
Thursday, January 28, 2009
Dear Vicar D,
I am writing you this letter as part of the movie I am sending you. I am sending this movie to people I think would benefit from seeing it. The movie’s title is Prayers for Bobby. You may have heard of it or you may not have. Regardless of whether you have or have not, I think it would be beneficial to your calling as a Pastor.
Prayers for Bobby has one particular social issue that is becoming more and more apparent as the years go by. It even affects my family and me. Even though the subject of this movie hits close to home for me, that is not the reason I am sending and asking you to watch this movie. I personally believe that there are people in my life that I know who really need to see this movie. I think this movie would be beneficial for you because as a Pastor, it is your job to bring the child of God closer to Him, and this movie will hopefully give you another perspective to consider when doing that.
I am a firm believer in what is presented in this movie. Seeing a parent go from condemning their child to Hell to accepting them and loving them, and knowing that God loves them even more no matter who they are or what they do. Being a Lutheran has had a major impact on my life. Knowing that we are saved by grace through faith in God has given me great comfort. Knowing that I was a sinner at conception and there was nothing I could do to change that helped me realize that I will always be a sinner no matter what I do. Knowing all that, I now know that when I accepted Jesus as my savior at my baptism and again at my confirmation I was saved from all my sins and inequities. This is something I want everyone to know, especially youth in my situation. Even more so, the youth who are looking for acceptance and love for any issue in their life.
I now ask you to watch this movie. I also want you to feel free to contact me with question or concerns. If you do decide to watch this movie, please keep an open mind and an open heart, I know you can do that as a Pastor.
In conclusion, remember this quote as you watch this movie and in everyday life, especially when you are with your family and your congregation:
“Before you echo Amen in your home or place of worship, think and remember. A child is listening.” -Mary Griffith
Your friend in Christ,
Jeffrey Mayefske
Recently I felt compelled to write letters. And I still feel compelled to. After such a moving event I feel that it is necessary to make sure others can experience this event as I have or at least learn a lesson from this event.
Recently a movie came out on Lifetime with the title "Prayers for Bobby." This movie is very moving and informative. It gives one the perspective of a family and more so, a mother's perspective of how to handle a person such as myself--gay. Seeing this movie had a great deal of parallelisms to my life. Seeing a mother and the church condemn her child because of who he is just rips my heart to shreds! This movie gives an accurate and realistic perspective of how one person can affect a young person's life, especially in the reconciliation stage in life. Because this movie does such a good job of portraying how a young person can be affected, I decided to write a letter to each aunt in my extended family, the campus pastor at school, and my vicar back home. This post contains the letter to my vicar back home. He is a fairly young guy. Young enough to start a new career after having a very well paying one. Also young enough to still have youngsters of his own running around the house.
So here goes, read the letter and pay close attention to the quote at the end of the letter! It is the most memorable quote I have ever seen, certainly worth remembering! If I have ever carved anything into my memory, this quote is something that is etched permanently to my memory.
Thursday, January 28, 2009
Dear Vicar D,
I am writing you this letter as part of the movie I am sending you. I am sending this movie to people I think would benefit from seeing it. The movie’s title is Prayers for Bobby. You may have heard of it or you may not have. Regardless of whether you have or have not, I think it would be beneficial to your calling as a Pastor.
Prayers for Bobby has one particular social issue that is becoming more and more apparent as the years go by. It even affects my family and me. Even though the subject of this movie hits close to home for me, that is not the reason I am sending and asking you to watch this movie. I personally believe that there are people in my life that I know who really need to see this movie. I think this movie would be beneficial for you because as a Pastor, it is your job to bring the child of God closer to Him, and this movie will hopefully give you another perspective to consider when doing that.
I am a firm believer in what is presented in this movie. Seeing a parent go from condemning their child to Hell to accepting them and loving them, and knowing that God loves them even more no matter who they are or what they do. Being a Lutheran has had a major impact on my life. Knowing that we are saved by grace through faith in God has given me great comfort. Knowing that I was a sinner at conception and there was nothing I could do to change that helped me realize that I will always be a sinner no matter what I do. Knowing all that, I now know that when I accepted Jesus as my savior at my baptism and again at my confirmation I was saved from all my sins and inequities. This is something I want everyone to know, especially youth in my situation. Even more so, the youth who are looking for acceptance and love for any issue in their life.
I now ask you to watch this movie. I also want you to feel free to contact me with question or concerns. If you do decide to watch this movie, please keep an open mind and an open heart, I know you can do that as a Pastor.
In conclusion, remember this quote as you watch this movie and in everyday life, especially when you are with your family and your congregation:
“Before you echo Amen in your home or place of worship, think and remember. A child is listening.” -Mary Griffith
Your friend in Christ,
Jeffrey Mayefske
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