Self Protection

I can cover just about any emotion. I can shield my mind from just about anyone. I can blanket the world from my eyes. But I can't stop my own heart.

I have had some very interesting happenings go on in my life recently. The most important coming to the realization that covering myself from emotional pain has lead to my emotional pain. I had someone tell me that by protecting myself from pain I am actually portraying a person that is not me. I protect myself because I don't want to get hurt, but then I protect myself so much that I become blind to how people view me.

I hide facts about my life. I hide how I truley feel in certain situations. I recently left my church that I have belonged to for twelve years because I now longer believe everything thing that they believe. When I finally came to this decision and acted out the decision, I became numb to the world. It took me days to thaw out. I certainly felt as though my faith life took a big stabbing to. For the first fourty-eight hours I needed reassurement I made the right decision and what I have come to believe is the truth. I prayed and prayed. I had my prayers answered. I put up one status on facebook and it turned into a mini blog and a wiki to the Bible. The responses I got made me so happy. I could not have asked for better reassurement in my beliefs.

Out of all of this time I have spent pondering on the subject of self protection, I have to come to conclude I have much to learn from the new things I experience in life. I have come to the conclusion I need to disclose more about myself and who I am and how I am feeling to people that matter. To build stronger relationships I need to have less firewalls and more open lines.

Self protection is good, but sometimes it over powers you and consumes your life and becomes very apparent to everyone what you are doing.

Empty, Lonely and Used

There are so many wonderful things in life. Things many take for granted. I know I am guilty of taking things for granted. Seeing nature all around you. Seeing God's greatest creation, the Earth and all is belongings, should make one stop and think. It should make one stop to say, "wow!" So many don't give these things a second glance. The wonders of life so many take for granted are countless. One in particular that weighs heavy on my heart is walking life with a partner. Someone to depend on in any situation at any time.

Seeing life this far has been fun and games. I do not appreciate the old any longer. I have a hankering for something new, exciting, and thrilling. It must be true, not blemished with a false pretense or an intangible future. I would like to be able to have this person help me find myself, and allow me to help that person find out who they really are and what they want in life. Building a life with someone else builds an ultimate connection. A connection that will last through all time and all hardship.

When one finds that person, they should not let him or her go without a fight! Letting go is the hardest thing to do in life. Whether it be something small like an old shirt or some thing large like letting go of a relative who has passed on. Letting go is part of life though. Brings in new and refreshes the soul. At first it may not seem so refreshed, but when you hit the point of understanding, the soul seems to be refreshed and ready for the next opportunity.

As much as feeling empty, lonely, and used hurts; it is a nature course of life. A course everyone has to walk in one way or another. Only time is the agent that can heal this part of the soul. So don't forget to let time heal. And try not to get too frustrated and worried about never getting to the new refreshed part of life that comes after the emptiness, loneliness, and feelings of being used go away. Patience is the best tool to endure time.