I feel like I am a character in a superhero movie. I feel like the character that was really good and had good friends. Then that character starts getting mixed up in the wrong crowd. Soon he starts to get involved with bad things and gets the bad end of the stick handed to him multiple times. The character falls to crime and becomes evil. Soon enough the character is now the greatest evil villain since the last superhero movie.
I feel so out of my element. I feel like I am falling apart. The new me is not happy, vibrant, or good. The new me is angry, dark, and bitchy. This new person hurts people. Its not healthy at all.
I can't even remember what it is to be happy, vibrant, and good. I don't know where I began to lose it. I am not sure what fuels my new self. I know I am not happy with my current life.
First, I am not happy with how I treat people. No one deserves to have a phone thrown at them. No one deserves verbal abuse. No one deserves to be made fun of or told they do not belong. My life is horrible. I have become so jaded, I am telling my closest friends that how they are living their lives is not good and that they are being stupid for doing things that they have to do. This treatment of people has been the biggest side effect of the new self, my evil self.
My evil self stems from somewhere. Pointing out the things I don't like about this new evil self might help figure out where it came from. I can't stand how obsessive and compulsive I have become. I have to have everything in my apartment clean. No dirty dishes in the sink. Clean towels. No clutter in the living room. The list could go on.
I hate my financial situation. I have more bills than I can afford. But who doesn't. But money stresses me out. I hate that I can't improve my situation. My situation is...I have one more year of college left. I am currently a Resident Assistant. I have to live on campus to go to school. I can't afford to go to school without being an RA. I have no car. A deer took that from me. I can't afford to get a new car simply put. So, I can't change my situation. I am stuck in a job I no longer want. I am stuck living on campus because I can't get to school otherwise. And if I don't go to school I won't graduate. I am completely in a situation I don't want to be.
I have lost my independence. That really annoys me. My car was my independence and my therapy. I am so lost with out my car. I can no longer get away from the places I don't want to be. I can't refresh myself anymore. So everything is piling up on the last thing and then it piles up more. My life is messed up.
I hate being single. I know I am meant love. My mind is in a place that is beyond college. Its just unfortunate that my life has not caught up with my mind yet. How do I fix this problem?
I hate the feeling of loosing control. I seriously feel like I am going insane at times. I black out at moments and just go on rants. Like a status I once put up, I wish I didn't care as much as I do. It would be so much easier. I think that status should apply to my OCD as well. I wish I didn't care as much. I highly doubt I would be as OCD as I am.
Now what do I do? How do I wake myself from this horrible nightmare?
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Self Protection
I can cover just about any emotion. I can shield my mind from just about anyone. I can blanket the world from my eyes. But I can't stop my own heart.
I have had some very interesting happenings go on in my life recently. The most important coming to the realization that covering myself from emotional pain has lead to my emotional pain. I had someone tell me that by protecting myself from pain I am actually portraying a person that is not me. I protect myself because I don't want to get hurt, but then I protect myself so much that I become blind to how people view me.
I hide facts about my life. I hide how I truley feel in certain situations. I recently left my church that I have belonged to for twelve years because I now longer believe everything thing that they believe. When I finally came to this decision and acted out the decision, I became numb to the world. It took me days to thaw out. I certainly felt as though my faith life took a big stabbing to. For the first fourty-eight hours I needed reassurement I made the right decision and what I have come to believe is the truth. I prayed and prayed. I had my prayers answered. I put up one status on facebook and it turned into a mini blog and a wiki to the Bible. The responses I got made me so happy. I could not have asked for better reassurement in my beliefs.
Out of all of this time I have spent pondering on the subject of self protection, I have to come to conclude I have much to learn from the new things I experience in life. I have come to the conclusion I need to disclose more about myself and who I am and how I am feeling to people that matter. To build stronger relationships I need to have less firewalls and more open lines.
Self protection is good, but sometimes it over powers you and consumes your life and becomes very apparent to everyone what you are doing.
I have had some very interesting happenings go on in my life recently. The most important coming to the realization that covering myself from emotional pain has lead to my emotional pain. I had someone tell me that by protecting myself from pain I am actually portraying a person that is not me. I protect myself because I don't want to get hurt, but then I protect myself so much that I become blind to how people view me.
I hide facts about my life. I hide how I truley feel in certain situations. I recently left my church that I have belonged to for twelve years because I now longer believe everything thing that they believe. When I finally came to this decision and acted out the decision, I became numb to the world. It took me days to thaw out. I certainly felt as though my faith life took a big stabbing to. For the first fourty-eight hours I needed reassurement I made the right decision and what I have come to believe is the truth. I prayed and prayed. I had my prayers answered. I put up one status on facebook and it turned into a mini blog and a wiki to the Bible. The responses I got made me so happy. I could not have asked for better reassurement in my beliefs.
Out of all of this time I have spent pondering on the subject of self protection, I have to come to conclude I have much to learn from the new things I experience in life. I have come to the conclusion I need to disclose more about myself and who I am and how I am feeling to people that matter. To build stronger relationships I need to have less firewalls and more open lines.
Self protection is good, but sometimes it over powers you and consumes your life and becomes very apparent to everyone what you are doing.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Complications in Finding a Partner
There are times in life where you just come to a stand-still, whether that be because you have looked for so long you think you are never going to find someone for you, or it be because you find someone, but have no real progress in making a meaningful relationship. I personally have been both.
There has been a time where I had looked for an extended period and had finally figured that not looking for a partner would be best. I had the mentality that not looking would allow me to focus on other things in life and if the time was right a guy would come to me. That worked, but what happens when that person is not a person you want to spend the rest of your life with?!
What happens when you date someone and you feel that person is your mate for life? What happens when that same person is not as interested as you are?! What happens if that person is super slow at making decisions in life? What do you do?!!!! What do you do especially when you have an interest in other guys and other guys have interest in you!? Do you continue to ignore the other guys that have interest in you and stick with the guy that is moving at a glacial pace, or do you give up on the turtle and focus on the hare?
This is the predicament many face, not just me. There are several things one has to determine for each, the hare and the turtle. First, the turtle needs to be evaluated in the following areas. If waiting will pay off. Is the turtle just indecisive or are they at the point of settling and not wanting to go fast because their interest is not very high? For the hare, one has to determine if there will be more of a pay off by attempting a relationship with the hare rather than the turtle. Is there anything that would prevent you from having a relationship with either, is another thing that is good to think about.
The only thing that can be done is make a decision and stick with it.
There has been a time where I had looked for an extended period and had finally figured that not looking for a partner would be best. I had the mentality that not looking would allow me to focus on other things in life and if the time was right a guy would come to me. That worked, but what happens when that person is not a person you want to spend the rest of your life with?!
What happens when you date someone and you feel that person is your mate for life? What happens when that same person is not as interested as you are?! What happens if that person is super slow at making decisions in life? What do you do?!!!! What do you do especially when you have an interest in other guys and other guys have interest in you!? Do you continue to ignore the other guys that have interest in you and stick with the guy that is moving at a glacial pace, or do you give up on the turtle and focus on the hare?
This is the predicament many face, not just me. There are several things one has to determine for each, the hare and the turtle. First, the turtle needs to be evaluated in the following areas. If waiting will pay off. Is the turtle just indecisive or are they at the point of settling and not wanting to go fast because their interest is not very high? For the hare, one has to determine if there will be more of a pay off by attempting a relationship with the hare rather than the turtle. Is there anything that would prevent you from having a relationship with either, is another thing that is good to think about.
The only thing that can be done is make a decision and stick with it.
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